A Collection of Pirate Ditties
by Calliope Foster
Summary: My pathetic attempt at parody poetry. Just crazy. Read, review, and certainly enjoy!
1. A Little Pirate Ditty

**_Disclaimer_**_: I was itching to write a story, a funny one, but I do poetry much better and I especially love pirate poetry so voila! I own only Black Lace Lucy and Alvira Muldoon, but nobody else! So please do enjoy and R&R! Oh and the song 'yo ho, ho, ho! Over the blazing sea we go!' is from Garfield and friends Halloween special!_

**A Little Pirate Ditty**

Now the setting is simple,

I hope you'll endear,

To my little old ditty,

Do lend me your ear.

There were two young lasses,

No one knows whence they came,

But appeared on a ship,

Black Pearl by the name,

And wouldn't ya know,

That were landlubbers, see,

But Jack Sparrow (_Captain_ Jack Sparrow),

Didn't give a ye he!

The fight they were caught up in,

Was against the blackest of souls,

Barbossa had come for revenge,

And so had his trolls!

A slice here and there,

A man fell into the brink,

A brimey pot of blood,

Flowing in the drink.

The lasses knew their lives,

Would be (if not already) at stake,

So they drew up a canon,

And loaded it with cake!

A blast and away it goes,

All over Barbossa and crew,

They looked like marshmallows,

In a great ambrosia stew.

And so away Barbossa went,

Sticky and all a great mess,

With his monkey and his hat,

And his crew, not at their best.

Now the captain turned his attention,

To the two aforementioned.

And to the victory all the crew cried,

They all gave a yar har har,

And a yo ho ho,

For that's the way that seamen go!

_'What are ye doin',_

_Upon me great ship!_

_Avast me hearties,_

_They'll soon take a dip!'_

Oh what a great mess,

Befell the poor lasses indeed,

Oh but clever they were,

And in wit they had speed!

_'Why Cap'n,' _said the first,

In a tone of great respect,

_'Please, don't make us walk,_

_I'll gladly schwab the deck!'_

_'Why you moron!__ You idiot!'_

Cried the second to the first,

_'They'll kill us for sure!_

_Slap us up in a hearse!'_

Now the pirates were fools,

They knew not what to do,

So ol' Jack came a stompin',

Up to the lasses in due.

Now the girls were a flutter,

Their minds in a rut,

What were they to do?

He'd kick both their butts!

_'Tell me yer name,_'

Insisted the captain,

_'And don't be so lame,_

_Or I'll have to shoot ya.'_

Now came the test,

_The two girls were so feisty,_

_'My name is Black Lace Lucy,_

_And I've come here to heist ye!'_

Well Cap'n Jack was mighty impressed,

_'Go on now, child, do with the rest.'_

_'Well,'_ said the second,

_'Alvira Muldoon is me name,_

_I'm me own mother's grief,_

_And me poor father's shame.'_

Jack was mighty sore with great pride,

With two more to the crew; more treasure provide.

_'Now that we're acquainted, _

_My crew will gladly beg pardon,_

_They offer you food,_

_And the dress of the dearly departed.'_

There was a great feast that night,

In honor of the gals,

Barbossa was thwarted,

And so were his pals.

Now back to Barbossa,

The man with blackest of hearts,

His eyes were afire,

And his temper a start!

_'I'll kill that fool Jack!_

_And his friends all aboard!_

_I'll drown the Black Pearl!_

_And to that I've sworn!'_

A spit on his rapier,

A twist and a shout,

And the man's mind was made-up,

To that, there was no doubt.

Back on the _Pearl_,

There was fun and games,

And Jack was feeling of good mood,

So with the landlubbers he'd play.

_'A song!__ A song!'_

Cried Jack full of rum,

_'And make it good!_

_Or I'll kick both yer bums!'_

Black Lace Lucy and Alvira Muldoon,

Knew they'd be killed now, and pretty soon,

But Black Lace Lucy stood up with a shout,

She'd come up with a plan, figured it out,

_'I'll sing a song I know,_

_It will surely be grand,_

_It's the best song there is,_

_The best in the damn land!'_

And to that all the crew cried,

They all gave a yar har har,

And a yo ho ho,

For that's the way that seamen go!

Alvira Muldoon was prepared,

To die trying bravely,

But ol' Lucy had a plan,

And it was quite dainty.

_'Fifty men all lost at sea!_

_All of 'em died except for me!_

_Yo ho ho ho,_

_Over the blazing sea we go!_

_Yo ho ho ho!_

_Over the blazing sea we go!'_

At first there was silence,

And to throats it clawed,

But suddenly hands went up,

And the pirates did applaud!

And to the song all the crew cried,

They all gave a yar har har,

And a yo ho ho,

For that's the way that seamen go!

Barbossa had snuck up,

While Jack's crew was all drunk,

And had the winds been right,

They'd have smelled the skunk!

In the distance Barbossa,

Could hear the applaud,

And to his great throat,

Did the mighty envy claw,

And cried the _Black Pearl_ crew thus far:

They all gave a yar har har,

And a yo ho ho,

For that's the way that seamen go!

But none were so happy,

On Barbossa's odd ship,

But they snuck in on the wind,

And gave ol' Jack Sparrow (_Captain_ Jack Sparrow) the slip.

When the miscreants awoke,

From the inebriation last night,

Lucy and Alvira,

Saw this to their fright:

The Black Pearl was deserted,

A mess left behind,

No one was on board,

Except for a man with the swine.

Pushing by pigs,

The lasses woke the man,

_'Everyone's gone!'_

Cried he, _'A curse it is, then!'_

So first they set forth,

To break the man's mighty curse,

Give him a drink,

To make him better than worse.

_'We'll chase down Barbossa,'_

Decided old Gibbs,

_'We'll run him right down,_

_See if he lives!_'

So that's what they did,

And on their way learned,

Of the port bow, the great masts,

And crow's nest and stern!

_'I'll kill you, Jack Sparrow,_

_You scurvy old dog!_

_I'll fit your back to cat,_

_And fill your gullet with snog!'_

Barbossa laughed brutally,

And then the devil slapped him,

But fearless Jack only smiled,

_'Could you please call me Cap'n?'_

A whistle from above,

Alerted all below,

_'A ship in the waters!_

_Thar she blows!'_ (I know that's used for whales…but it fits, shut it mouth)

Jack knew he was saved,

But of course he'd not admit;

To do that one thing,

As Cap'n he'd not be worth spit.

Barbossa was thwarted,

But he'd not go without a fight,

_'With me you'll drown, Jack!_

_We'll both die tonight!'_

The fight was a great one,

Three against millions,

But finally it was over,

And to the reef went the minions,

Barbossa was shouting,

At the top of his lungs,

_'I'll get you some day, Jac_k!

_That one thing I promise!'_

All men were rescued,

And saved from near death,

They all clambered on board,

And each took a huge breath,

And out they cried of their journey thus far;

They all gave a yar har har,

And a yo ho ho,

For that's the way that seamen go!

When Jack came aboard,

To thank the girls for their bravery,

He came to the conclusion,

They'd gone down with Davey,

No one could find them,

Even to this very day,

There's no explanation,

And if they should come back, (they may),

Jack would hold a great party,

And on the Black Pearl, both had a place to stay.

So what happened to Black Lace Lucy,

And young Alvira Muldoon?

Perhaps the answer is happy,

Or filled with great doom,

But when you're reading a story,

Or you find great treasure somewhere,

Look for their names,

And Barbossa, beware!


	2. Rum, Rum

**_This could have been Captain Jack Sparrow's NEARLY final thoughts afore being rescued by the rum runners._**

**Rum, Rum**

Rum, rum, ye waste away,

Per'aps I'll find another taste,

That suits me more than I kin bear,

And gives me final breath of air,

Rum, rum, I wish ye'd stay,

For I kin't live another day,

And waste away on this wretched isle,

And die in my own self denial,

Rum, rum, ye taste like heaven,

But I fear it's to 'ell I'm headin',

I'll go on down to the depths below,

And dream of ye, rum, so long ago…

**_Past reviews prior to move:_**

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redblood-circus  
2005-07-05  
ch 1, signed

oh God... i can imagine Jack singing this song... is something that i would like to see! Yummy!

Davinci  
2005-06-30  
ch 1, signed

Hello, I thought I should advice you: you are publishing a fic in English in a page in Spanish, so most of your potential readers just can't understand your text! Aniway, I find this fic original. Good bye!

Norma Jean the Dancing Machine  
2005-06-17  
ch 1, signed

that's so funny..it's true though "Rum, rum, ye taste like heaven," yeah i can picture jack saying that..well good poem! reveiw my stories please! i admire your work and you reveiwing would mean alot! thanks!

**_Captain-Ammie  
2005-06-14  
ch 1, signed_**

**_Oh. My. Gosh. This is sad and depressing. But somehow funny... xD_**

**_Thanks guys ;)_**


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